"Come Fly WIth Me, Let's Fly, Let's Fly Away"

I have just come back from a 3 week holiday to the States and Canada, and while I made the long, arduous trek back to my native land...I had many an hour to think about my next blog topic.  I suppose that's what you get when planning a vacation that spans 4 countries, 2 continents and some 32 892.26 odd kilometers.  Seriously, I did the math.  It should then come as no surprise then, that I decided it's about high time I dedicate a post to flying.  Pun intended.


Whenever I need to practice my patience, I book a trip.  The theme seems to be hurry up...and wait.  In one of those "waiting periods", which I will add lasted 5.5 hours in a LESS than favorable airport terminal (not mentioning names, AUCKLAND) I started jotting down the good, the bad and the ugly.  What started out on a small 4 x 6 inch note page quickly blossomed into 8-10 pages of memory filled goodness/hideousness.  They are in random order, but here are some observations I have banked through the many years I've been blessed to get to hop on the ol bird:

• check-in: Never in all my time have I EVER paid for overweight bags.  You might be thinking that I must always just travel underweight.  Not so my friend, not so.  You are talking to someone has has packed my LIFE in a bag more than once.  The key is to only get about 3-4 kilos over, and if you do get the power trip, you can always pack a pair of shoes in the carry on.  Now that's classy. ;)
• security: Because of our time, I'm not going to bitch about lines, security checks, or metal detectors...there's just not any way around it BUT PLEASE let's get some consistency: "belt on", "shoes off", "jacket off", "sweater on", "show me the cd tray in your lap top", "no don't worry about taking your liquids out".  It's not the security, it's the inconsistency!!
• I love airport bookstores, and futuristic, 100% automatic EVERYTHING in the bathrooms.
• Airports are fast becoming mini-resorts with shopping, casinos, swimming pools, moving theatres, bars, etc.  You can even catch a few zzz's between flights in sleep pods.  Sleeping in the airport is not what it once was.  A lot of the bigger, international airtports also have showering facilities in them.  Now that has coined the very essence of what I really want RIGHT when I touch down.  Nothing like a crisp, clean shower after traveling a full day, night or both.  Check out the evolution:

• It always cracks me up when I see "that" girl totally givin' er on the testers in the duty free shop.  No time to do your make-up before the trip?  Wanna try the latest range of these 15 new scents?  No problem!  I say go for the gold, but stay away from the mascara.  That is just a one-way ticket to a date with a staph infection!
• boarding: Southwest Airlines boards their flights all rows, window seats first, then middle, then aisle.  Brilliant!  Now that's innovation I wish would catch on worldwide.
• Overhead compartments are not free for the taking, if you put your carry on up there, you better be sitting in the row underneath.  That is so annoying!
• If they are trying to scare the bejesus out of you by showing you the safety video, it works!  Why the heck are they showing us the brace position?  We might need life jackets and oxygen masks?  If you didn't have anxiety before, you're sure to be wetting your pants by that point.  My favorite is that the life jacket has a little clip that goes around your waist.  I'm glad there will still be time to be meticulous while the plane is taking a nosedive to the earth in a fiery mess.  Another good one is "you can get an infant life jacket from the crew".  Also good to know that customer service is sure to remain at a premium.  
• I love when airlines can spice things up a bit like this recent air new zealand flight I was on.  Hilarious!!

• Take the time to get to know your neighbor.  I have met some of the most interesting people that way.
• Consequently, know when to stop talking and hope your neighbor gets the clue if you are not in the mood for a chat.
• I think airline food gets a bum wrap.  It's definitely not what it once was, see exhibition A)

In fact, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth just uploading that.  Anyway, these days considerable care is being put into the kind of grub we're being fed on flights.  What they need to evaluate is that the portion sizes are fit for a midget.  At best.  Chris are like seagulls nabbing extra bread rolls and granola bars where we can. hahah.  There is however one exception to this rule.  I can't remember where I was headed, but they were serving hot fish.  Yep, you heard it correctly-hot, smelly, pre-heated, re-heated ocean dweller.  I was asleep, only to be awoken by what I thought my neighbor passenger raking off his hiking boots 8 hours into the flight.  Nope.  F-I-S-H it was.  Try recycling that air around for the remaining 5 hours.  I don't care if we were flying to Japan, some things just shouldn't make their way onto your tray table!

• I think that I've come to realize that air hostesses really only say the same 10 sentences: "Can I get you something to drink?" "Please put your tray table up" etc, etc.  That's gotta get old.  I try and ask them what they have available to drink, just for laughs.  Then you get overseas and you really only have about 3 choices.  Apple juice, orange juice, water.  
• It always makes me nervous when the plane lands and everyone claps...do they know something we don't?  Which brings me to a nice segway into my next topic:
• Discount airlines are not for the faint of heart.  If you disagree, please see the photo below.  4 words: life, flashed, before, eyes.  

• It's funny when you have unexpected turbulence and you hear someone yelp like a tiny puppy.  Then try and play it cool after.
• Nobody wants to hear about this one, but at some point in a long haul flight you are bound to get a surrounding passenger that just won't stop lettin 'em rip.  Because we're all jammed together so closely, there is no surefire way to catch the culprit.  So gross!
• First class seats: "It used to be a better meal, now it's a better life".  That quote was a line from Jerry McGuire by a character in a small domestic plane.  Wait until you get to the big birds!  You go parading through their turf like some kind of sneaky intruder, while they are already seated, getting their socks changed for them, with a glass of champagne in hand.  Better life is right!
• If during the flight you wanna lay your seat back, a simple, concerning glance back behind you is appreciated.  This is a way of giving your opponent a little "heads up" or rather "limbs up" before it comes careening back onto your kneecaps simultaneously.  This brings me to my next point:
• Exit rows should not be available to anyone under at least 6 feet tall.  Bro-in-law Ian I'm looking at you.
• Arm rests aren't in place as a retreat for your funny bone, nor does that entitle you to take up both of them if you are a middle passenger.  I remember my first encounter with someone breeching the jurisdiction of his purchased recliner.  I was 9 years old, and was flying overseas on my 1st long-haul flight.  Take off was followed by the quick stowing of the middle arm rest and his big man came flowing into my seat like some cruel game of cat and mouse.  Lukily for him I was both afraid to speak up, or to rest my arm on his belly so he got to benefit from 1.5 seats for all 10 hours.  Nowadays, I have learned my lesson and there is almost a literal "joust" for position.  Elbows ready!
• When the plane lands, it is not a green light for you to get up frantically and take your overhead bag down on everyone else's head.  Trust me, I've seen it and it's not pretty-especially post 12 hours of flying through the night.  Believe it or not, a 747 does not vacate within 2 minutes of touching the tarmac.
• Unbeknownst to the people of France, there actually is such a thing as disembarking etiquette.  The plane lands, and each person takes their turn getting off.  The person in the aisle behind you waits until the row in front is clear, and then proceeds.  This is not the case in France.  Once you have been overtaken, you might as well sit back down and crack open that months edition of "High Times" magazine until the ENTIRE plane is empty.  You see, the simple action of being overtaken equates to everyone being entitled to flow off the plane in a steady constant fury of passenger diarrhea.  Any attempt to throw a leg in the aisle could mean certain disaster.
• Never underestimate the dead weight or awkward bulk of your bags when trying to take them off the carousel at baggage claim.  This was actually what prompted me to start writing this post, as I just sat back and watched the sheer number of people being spastically dragged around the carousel like a wild animal on a leash.  It starts out with the carousel being overcrowded with eager travelers standing RIGHT up at the front.  My favorites are the ones that bring their cart right up with them, thus further adding to the congestion.  Then, the older guy beside me spots his bag.  He leisurely grabs it as if he is just going to casually slip it up over the ledge.  Maybe this wouldn't be such a feat if the person next to you wasn't 2.3 centimeters away!  Then it's a domino effect while simultaneously wiping out the entire front row, and finally the bag is free.  He tries desperately to maintain his dignity as the entire flight just watched him get OWNED, knowing full well that the bag would have made its way around the circuit in 4 more minutes.  Classic!!

Well there you have it, a brief run down of the do's and don'ts of flying.  Feel free to add your own in the comments, I know there is more! hahahaha